Tinselcity

All is not well with me. It hasn't been well for quite some time and it's not well now. Sometimes I do wonder if it will ever be well. I am, though, not worried by this. I think I know myself well enough and I have come to accept this circumstance.

I am quite sure that I will end my own life at some point. I've always known this, I have never feared it, and I have never seen this as a problem.

Which doesn't mean there aren't any problems. As I said I concede that all is not well. Probably the main problem is that I just fail to see the point in going nowhere. I feel humans, as a civilization, have lost perspective and that, again as a civilization, we are mostly going nowhere. There is little progress, but what is more important is that most humans seem not to care about that. They seem to have no vision and no sense of… we could say, humanity. They are perfectly content to focus on their on little needs and wants. And this, to some extent, is fine, of course. I'm not asking people should renounce their needs. But then again I just can't find acceptable to let those personal needs replace any and all larger goals. I'm probably too much of an idealist, but I still think the sense of unity, of community, of civilization, of progress, the “common good”, whatever you want to call it, that sense is important.

And instead, all I see around me is little farces, envy, egotism, and petty, immature battles where everyone seems to be thinking only of their own benefit. We, as a large group, seem to just have lost the ideals of generosity, of togetherness, of looking towards a common horizon. And then, those who haven't yet, those marvellous and kind, but scarce, beings that still aim for those ideals, they get once and again taken advantage of. It would seem like it's just not worth it being a good person. And believe me, I do in fact understand that the reward of being a good person is the fact itself that you're a good person. But that works on a personal level, at most. If the group at large, instead of celebrating and rewarding good people, instead takes advantage of them, then as a whole it feels like we're doomed.

And so I am left with this feeling of meaninglessness, of there being no point, no aim, no progress for us as a whole. If I add to this that I have little personal wants, then I'm left with the insistent question of “why go on, if there's nowhere to go?”.

So, yes, I fight each and every day with this idea. And each day that passes is one more day that I have, somehow, convinced myself to give life another opportunity. But I am perfectly aware that, as time passes, it becomes harder to convince myself, or even to trick myself when I just can't be convinced. And I have come to accept the idea that one day I simply won't be able to even trick myself into going on one more day.